Bladder Jockeys

I was a very observant child.




I didn't notice important things like, I don't know, learning math. But when it came to little, pointless things, I was a master. If only there were jobs such as Noticer of Small Inconsequential Things or Observer of Details and Minutiae. 


One thing I noticed were the extreme variations in bathroom trip lengths that people took. For some reason I assumed no one ever pooped, it was all just peeing.


Some people has some really long pee trips. For example, waiting for my brother to finish in the bathroom at a restaurant.


I tried to figure out why exactly this was.But then those questions raised more questions, like how and who decides how long those pee trips were? Why was my brother taking so long to pee, making me wait for him?


I contemplated for a long time about these questions (five minutes), and eventually came up with answers. Very fitting answers. That made complete sense.


I knew that each person had bladder. That bladder had something to do with pee and stuff. What exactly was in that bladder? That was the key to this whole situation, and I had a pretty good idea what was going on. 

You see, in each bladder, were seven stalls. Each stall contained the allotted amount of pee for each day of the week. The amounts in each stall were decided by how much water you drank in the previous week. How much you peed was then controlled by a tiny man who would run to each stall and open the doors to let out pee. 

I also decided that this tiny man was wearing a jockey uniform.

Because there were stalls. 


When people peed for extremely long periods of time, there was a malfunctioning stall door and you would pee out some of tomorrow's pee.


I imagined the tiny jockey man desperately trying to control the deluge of pee, jockey hat straps flailing. He made noble efforts, but those stalls needed to be repaired. The deluge overpowers him.

I was so distressed, I turned to my mom and demanded that she make my brother stop and that he was peeing out tomorrow's pee. 


She glanced at me and said nothing.


But really we all know she was quietly considering what a great and promising youth I was. Destined to change modern ideas of human anatomy. 


Super genius.